Choices

The Yes

Posted on by Alexoxo

Since I was last here, my life has become a whirlwind of fun, adventures, and happiness.

The timing of life is a funny thing. The people who stay in your life, resurface, or come into it always do so with such a purpose. It always seems to be perfectly timed with what one needs, even if they don’t know it. To those of you who have always stuck by my side, I love you all from the bottom of my heart. To those who resurfaced, thank you for giving our friendship a second chance to blossom. To those who recently entered, a big huge grinning welcome.

Over the last few years and months I have become more and more sure of who I am. More and more sure of what I want. More and more sure that I have sole control of my life. When you find that sureness in yourself, it is easier to attract the right set of people. It is easier to move from day to day and communicate your wants and needs with those around you. It took a long time to get here but if you are on the journey, don’t stop, don’t give up. It is so beyond worth the struggle once you arrive.

Now that I have been in this place for a few weeks, my life has become full of “yes” and “why not?”. The adventures have been non-stop for the past 2 months. From seeing giant teddy bears, to going to pumpkin patches at 430 pm and getting caught in a rain storm. It all has brought a new energy to my life and a joy that has been missing. It has been full of tears from laughter, hurting cheeks from smiling, and sore feet from all the adventures taken.

My next few weeks and months don’t seem to be slowing down either. I have a trip across the pond planned, a trip to see my parents, and my favorite holiday is coming up (Christmas)!! I will try not to stay away for so long, but with all the adventures and fun times, it is sometimes hard to find my free time to blog. Will keep you posted as I can.

 

Until next time I will be saying yes,

Alexoxo

To admit defeat

Posted on by Alexoxo

A phrase that has so many different meanings with mental illness. However, to me this phrase has power, meaning, and even a hidden strength. This phrase also is full of fear, regret, and disappointment.

It is one thing to admit defeat in a sporting event, spelling bee, science fair, etc. But having to admit defeat in life is and was soul crushing.

I have had several days as of late where I have fallen off track on my journey to healing. I have felt defeated by my own self. My own thoughts. My own journey. It is hard to be ok with that. But this whole journey started by having to admit that life had defeated me. I could not cope with my life on my own anymore. I could not handle my own thoughts and emotions. I had to admit to the world that I could no longer support myself and seek the support of my family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.

At times I coped in unhealthy ways and slowly but surely I am overcoming those. I had to admit defeat even with my coping. Feeling upset and out of whack? Go black out for the night. You won’t feel anything anyways. WRONG! I felt not only the hangover the next day but the emotions from the night before ten fold. Feeling bad about your self? Don’t eat, you’ll focus on the hunger rather than your feelings. WRONG! I was hangry and still feeling all those negative emotions, while now adding negative thoughts about my appearance. Feeling unsure about life? Stop talking to everyone that matters you’ll just make their life more stressful. WRONG! I was fighting alone while dealing with calls and texts of people checking on me. Having to try and make up lies about how/where I was.

Luckily the eating has gotten better, although at times it is still hard to eat but only because my medication takes away my appetite. The drinking has been much better. There are still nights I go past my limit and know I am going to suffer the next day but I am only human and this is a journey. Reaching out has become a lot easier and with my current support system I have no fear of judgement. I understand they care and they all want to help in any way they can.

I woke up this morning and for some reason I feel like my life changed. I don’t know what it is or how it came to be. I just feel like I have finally admitted full defeat and had a heart to heart with myself. I am ready for this journey to get back on track.

I have made a commitment to start working out again, as I did as an athlete. I have commitment to sobriety. You can have plenty of fun without alcohol right? I have made a commitment to eat three meals a day, healthy meals that is. Even on days that I have zero appetite.

To be defeated is a chance to start over, start fresh, and show the world what you are made of. It is a chance to prove to yourself how strong you really are. It is a chance to know how committed you are to your own self and your journey to healing. To be defeated is strength to know that even in the darkest of times you see the light.

I have been defeated. From life. From my healing journey. I have been defeated. I have also been able to get back up. Continue fighting.

 

Alexoxo

The climb

Posted on by Alexoxo

Do you know that feeling when you are on a roller coaster creeping up to the first big drop and just waiting for the big fall? That is what the journey of self healing has felt like for me lately. The adrenaline, angst, nervousness, excitement; all of them flowing through my veins, making me feel things I have not felt in years. It feels so good and yet is so exhausting. However, the exhaustion has become a positive rather than a negative in my life. I am exhausted from being happy, excited, and looking forward to the coming days.

My sister has moved out and it is now just myself and my doggy. The first few days were very hard to adjust to life on my own. Knowing I don’t have her here available to me at any given moment. My constant love and support is now three states away. Talk about the anxiety attack that caused. Knowing that my circle of support near me is shrinking….again.

I have been able to get into my own routine and am now ok with living on my own. I can handle life and all it has thrown at me so far. I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to stand on my own, to make my own life choices, to trust in the process that is my life. And when weak moments strike, there is technology in this world that allows me to connect to those I need most; thank you  texting, phone calls, and video calling.

I have been on this climb up to the big drop for several weeks now (maybe even months) and I’m hoping its a big climb because I am not ready for the fall. Maybe it will just plateau at the top and not have a drop at all. Maybe it will be a small drop that I can recover from quickly. Whatever it is, I am enjoying the ride up and hoping not to cause the drop myself.

One of my biggest fears in life is my own self destruction. Ruining things that are good because of my own actions. Essentially cutting the roller coaster track and causing the fall myself. This is life battling anxiety; combating bad thoughts with the good. Trying to live without worry yet every little thing causes a fight or flight feeling. Unsure if I am actually overreacting or just protecting myself. But lately, I have just been enjoying every day and trying to not let the fight or flight feeling over take me. I am learning to be patient with myself. Give myself the opportunity to speak my mind and how I am feeling. What I need from myself and those around me.

The line to even get on this roller coaster climb was a long one. It contained lots of twists and turns, frustrations, hours of tears and pain, years of self hate, years of trying to fit the mold that society has created. It has made this climb that much more impactful. That much more enjoyable. I will be damned if I don’t enjoy every second of this climb. I will be damned if I stop loving myself. I will be damned if I let a single person take me back to the starting line, including myself. I have reached the roller coaster and I don’t plan on getting off any time soon. So welcome aboard and join for the ride or you can see yourself off. The choice is not one I will make for anyone but myself.

 

Until the next climb

 

Alex

 

Small Victories Count

Posted on by Alexoxo

Do not ever forget that a win, no matter how small, is still a win. Keeping this in mind has been a huge stepping stone in my recovery. Now it is not always easy to remember and its hard to cut myself some slack, but nothing is more relieving that celebrating life’s wins.

Each day that I make it to bed in some sense of happiness is a win. I have been trying this new routine in which I tell myself 2-3 wins I had that day so I don’t go to bed on a negative thought. The craziest part is they can be absolutely tiny wins but they change my whole mindset around. For example, on St. Patrick’s day I went out with a group of friends and we partook in some adult activities. I made it home with my ID, credit card, and phone. Now that is a win, especially since the last handful of times I had a little too much enjoyment I certainly misplaced at least one thing.

The reality check at the end of the night helps remind me that I don’t live in this prison of the 21st century. I am not locked into social pressures. I am not needing the approval of others, but rather fulfilling the need to make my own self happy.  I am capable of so much that is easily lost within our hyper-connected world.  It is so easy to compare myself to my peers. To compare my life journey with theirs and not be satisfied with what I have accomplished. However, there is always another side to the story. So, who is to say they aren’t comparing themselves to me and everything I have accomplished?

It is easy to get trapped in the prison, but its always a good time for a Shawshank redemption and good ol’ escape plan. Your plan, like mine, may be very tangible and easily measured. Your plan may be more on the creative side. Your plan may be with just yourself or it could easily include your family and friends. Whatever your plan, just make sure it is executed; the escape is near and always remember you are innocent until proven guilty. Meaning, you cannot be guilty of being “behind in life” or “less accomplished” just because one of your peers is settled, engaged, and a new homeowner while you have just finished your second full pizza of the week. In my eyes eating a whole pizza is a win in and of itself, especially if its anything bigger than a medium pizza!

So here is to my recent wins: 1. not misplacing anything on St. Patrick’s day. 2. Having amazing friends who love me regardless of my shenanigans. 3. Taking control of my work life and taking steps towards my own career happiness.

 

With all the love and sending wins your way,

Alexoxo