********disclaimer: there are very real detailed thoughts and emotions in this post. you may be triggered, alarmed, or scared. do not be. I am working on getting help constantly. if you are in the same position please reach out. you are not alone. sending my love to all the fighters out there*********

Sorry I have been away from my blog for a while. I have been trying to take a break from life as much as possible, or truthfully just avoid the reality that is my life. I lay in bed or on my couch in the dark and alone as often as possible. I avoid going out. I avoid people.

I am still on my medication for anxiety and depression but I am not sure if they have stopped working or my life has just gotten that much more fucked up since I started them almost a year ago. Maybe its the sole fact that at 24 years old I have no idea how to cope with the fact that I lost three of the people closest to me and one to murder. I have no idea how to grieve the loss of anyone much less my best friend who was so young, full of life, and had so many years of adventure ahead of her.

All the deaths this year have brought so many questions to my mind. What is the point of life? Do we really have a purpose that once fulfilled ends our time on Earth? What was Olivia’s purpose, how did she fulfill it so early in life? What was my grandparents purpose? Why did they get to live their life out fully or why did it take so long for them to fulfill their purpose? What is my purpose? What do I even want out of life? Do I matter in the grand scheme? How can people say “in time things get better or next year will be better, its only two months away”? I want to scream and rip my hair out. I don’t think people really think of the words that come out of their mouth or the impact they have on others. Time does not make it better, next year will not be better. Nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, will bring my Papa, Abuelita, and Olivia back. I will forever have a gaping hole in my heart where they belong. Where the memories still live but the pain of their absence is ever present. The pain seeming to always overtake the memories. I find a way to smile but it always turns right back into tears.

Do we ever fully understand our outreach and impact on the world around us until we are dead? What if we told everyone how important they are to us while they are here to hear it, know it, and enjoy the fact that they are making a difference in our lives. What if we told them all the amazing things we tend to say once they have passed. Why do we wait until the point of no return to tell them things that actually matter. I always made sure to tell these three special people how much I loved, and still continue to love, them, how important they were to me, and how blessed I was to have them all in my life. Knowing I never left things on a bad note with any of them helped in the absolute slightest bit putting my mind at ease with all the craziness.

I don’t understand life or even humans to be honest. I don’t even understand myself. This year has done nothing to help with any of it either. All I have done since these major life events is question everything and everyone. I have a terrible anxiety and fear of going to places with large crowds, to hear my phone ring past 8 pm, to not hear from those I love for more than 10 hrs, to even go to social gatherings that once were the highlight of my week. I feel trapped in my own life. Trapped in a way that is so overwhelming and confusing with no escape. It has easily been the worst year of my life and for some reason I don’t think its over. I have this new fear of death that I don’t know how to deal with. There are days it consumes my thoughts and sends this nasty crippling fear through my body.

I HAVE to get answers to these questions. I have to find out what the point of this life is. I hope next week brings clarity. Wish me luck as I will be meeting for the first time with a psychiatrist who will determine my next steps. It may be bi-weekly sessions, up the dosage of my meds, both, or some other combination of things. Whatever it is I hope it allows me to live the life of a 24 year old that is not trapped in her own mind.

 

Trying to find freedom,

 

Alex