Author: Alexoxo

It’s the most wonderful time

Posted on by Alexoxo

Welcome to December, my favorite part of the year! All the festivities going on and decorations going up around town just seem to put everyone in a more positive mood. At times it’s hard to go through the holidays knowing 4 very important people are missing from my life, but I have to find the silver lining. I have to think about and remember how they would want me to celebrate this time of year.

I spent the last few days making sure my apartment was perfectly made up for the holidays. I put a wreath on my door, lights up around my place, and I made sure to put up my 2 Christmas trees. If that doesn’t tell you how much I love Christmas, I am not sure what will. One of the trees is a very special tree as it is Olivia’s old Christmas Tree. I take extra care putting it up and decorating it every year to make sure it looks just perfect. My team from work this year got me ornaments for Christmas, a mini passport, a globe, and a mini suitcase. They were perfect additions to Olivia’s tree as we shared a love of traveling. It is so sweet looking at her tree every night and seeing those three ornaments and being able to reminisce on all our adventures. I am blessed to have been able to go on so many trips with Olivia and have created so many treasured memories. Don’t ever take your time with someone for granted, and make sure you don’t wait “until next year” to take that trip you’ve been dying to go on.

I also have a new member of my support circle and I could not be more thankful. Life has a way of giving you just the people you need, just when you need them. In the three months we’ve been together I have only had one anxiety attack, so needless to say he keeps me level-headed. It is nice to have someone who can help bring you back to reality; help you see the forest instead of the tree. It’s been amazing being able to spend the holiday season with someone so special to me. We have been able to go see Christmas lights, put up Christmas decorations, and even watch an unreal amount of Christmas movies together. He is even so caring as to let me roam every single Christmas aisle at any store we go into. I know he secretly hates it, but I very much appreciate him for doing it with a smile every single time (even if it is a forced smile). I am well taken care of and to be honest did not even know it was possible to be treated this well. Seems like it only happens in movies and books, but it is real. He indulges in all my love for everything, especially Christmas, and even took me to get pictures with Santa. Yes, even in my mid-20s I still get excited about pictures with Santa.

My family is coming into town for the holidays and I will again have a full house. Here is to hoping it goes better than last time and I am able to truly enjoy every moment with them. It has been a few years since I was able to spend the holidays with my parents, and I am beyond excited to be able to have that opportunity this year. It is one of my favorite childhood memories, spending Christmas together as a family. I hope it doesn’t stop anytime soon, but with adult life being what it is, sometimes it is hard to get the time off from work. It is also difficult to schedule travel for everyone since my immediate family is in three different states. Hoping that with my parents now being retired it makes travels and little easier as they are no longer restricted by corporate America.

Here’s to the most wonderful time of the year!!

Alexoxo

PS- The holidays can be a very difficult time, especially to those suffering from mental illness. Make sure you check up on your friends and family and spend time with them all, even if it is over the phone. If anyone is in need of an ear to listen please don’t be afraid to reach out, whether that be to me, your parents, siblings, friends, or even one of the many hotlines out there. You aren’t going through it alone and you can have a happy holiday season once again! 😊

The Yes

Posted on by Alexoxo

Since I was last here, my life has become a whirlwind of fun, adventures, and happiness.

The timing of life is a funny thing. The people who stay in your life, resurface, or come into it always do so with such a purpose. It always seems to be perfectly timed with what one needs, even if they don’t know it. To those of you who have always stuck by my side, I love you all from the bottom of my heart. To those who resurfaced, thank you for giving our friendship a second chance to blossom. To those who recently entered, a big huge grinning welcome.

Over the last few years and months I have become more and more sure of who I am. More and more sure of what I want. More and more sure that I have sole control of my life. When you find that sureness in yourself, it is easier to attract the right set of people. It is easier to move from day to day and communicate your wants and needs with those around you. It took a long time to get here but if you are on the journey, don’t stop, don’t give up. It is so beyond worth the struggle once you arrive.

Now that I have been in this place for a few weeks, my life has become full of “yes” and “why not?”. The adventures have been non-stop for the past 2 months. From seeing giant teddy bears, to going to pumpkin patches at 430 pm and getting caught in a rain storm. It all has brought a new energy to my life and a joy that has been missing. It has been full of tears from laughter, hurting cheeks from smiling, and sore feet from all the adventures taken.

My next few weeks and months don’t seem to be slowing down either. I have a trip across the pond planned, a trip to see my parents, and my favorite holiday is coming up (Christmas)!! I will try not to stay away for so long, but with all the adventures and fun times, it is sometimes hard to find my free time to blog. Will keep you posted as I can.

 

Until next time I will be saying yes,

Alexoxo

To my never again

Posted on by Alexoxo

I’m not sure where to start this…my life has been good lately (for the most part) but I have a lot of thoughts that continually run through my head.

Dear past,

Has anyone ever hurt you so much you hope they feel the same pain one day? I know I will never end up with anyone due to my mental illness but do not lie to me. If you “cared so much about me”, why leave when I needed someone most? If you “cared so much about me”, why not pick up the phone in the following days when I needed help? If you “cared about me so much”, why did you stop answering everything?

I blocked you because you obviously don’t give a fuck. I hope you are worried about me every day for the rest of your life knowing what you did. I hope you feel a pain even remotely close to what I live every day. I hope you never have to deal with someone who has mental illness again in your life. I hope you never see this but get the message. And if you read this, welcome to my hell.

I know I will never get the closure I want. I will never be told the truth of it all. I am always fed lies from my significant others, its just my life. Honestly I don’t even want another relationship. I just want someone to care about me that is not my family or anyone I consider family. However, I know it is a hell of a stretch.

Over the last few weeks I have gained this weird sense of calm with myself. I am comfortable with who I am. I am happy with my friends, my body, my choices. I dress up again. I give a shit about things again. So I guess I really should be thanking your stupid ass for leaving. I should be thanking you for giving me a reason to give a damn about getting my life to a better place than it ever was before you. Making me want to prove to you how wrong you are.

I always get told its their loss that they left, but what about my loss? Someone grows increasingly important in your life and becomes a stabilizer and all of a sudden they just disappear like you had never met them. I cannot quite explain the feeling of loss yet relief.

Although I hate that you ever even came into my life to feed me bullshit, I am grateful. Grateful for giving me a sense of purpose again. Giving me a reason to return to the best me. Giving me a reason to say fuck you and get on with my life. Grateful for the person you turned me into with your trash. Grateful for clarifying my future life desires to me. Grateful that I am who I am, and you will never get to experience the amazing things that are to come in my life. Grateful I get to be me and live my life to the fullest with you never knowing.
Sincerely,

Alexoxo

 

PS-don’t even try and reach out cause I couldn’t give what two fucks you have to tell me. Cue the lies “I still care” “You won’t end up alone” “It was me, I’m not good for you” gag me with some bullshit. #bye

The story of my fighting life

Posted on by Alexoxo

No matter how honest or open I am about my mental illness, it never prepares ANYONE in my life for a relapse. On top of anxiety, I am continually going through the phases of grieving. I went back into depression a few days ago after being triggered by a good day at work.

I started my downward spiral on Saturday, having to leave the office to call my therapist. The phone call with my therapist kept me sane enough to finish my day at work. Although I made it through the full day of work, the second I got to my car I lost all control of every emotion known to man. I got home and could not control the crying and emotions. They just kept coming out. I called those closest to me just needing an ear to listen. Someone to answer the phone and help me fight these demons by showing me someone cares. They did. One of my best friends ended coming over for a few hours and just distract me from all the thoughts. I cannot thank her enough as it meant the world to me.

On Sunday I did not get out of bed for anything. I hadn’t eaten since Saturday morning and had no cares to give the world. My partner at the time came over and spent the day napping with me. The night didn’t end so well but I’ll save that for later.

On Monday, I went to work again just trying to survive another day in this world. I had to leave the office again to call my mom. The phone call with my mom was just what I needed at that moment to continue. I called her bawling and she asked what was wrong. The first words I could mutter were “I just don’t give a fuck  anymore”. I think those words coming out of my mouth shocked me just as much as they shocked my mom. She was a trooper though and kept her cool. She just kept telling me to breathe and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Ironically enough, I was walking the parking lot and actually watching myself put one foot in front of the other. And somehow, in that very instance it was the most rewarding, calming, therapeutic thing I could do. It brought some sense of peace to my mind and thoughts. After getting off the phone with my mom, I called my therapist again to set up an appointment for the following day. I knew it was in a dangerous spot and needed to seek help.

I guess I always realized I was in this fight alone. Although I have many to support me and show up when I need, in all honestly they could leave at any moment they want. These demons that attack my mind and take hold of my soul is something I cannot escape. At times I get really sad hearing about all the suicides going around currently and I wonder why they did not get help, why they didn’t reach out. But at times I also get it; even reaching out for help the demons never go away. They never truly leave.

It makes me so absolutely angry that those who are in my life have a choice. A choice to leave the demons and the mess that I am in the past. But me, I don’t have that choice. I have to wake up everyday and fight. I have to find a fuck to give and a reason to continue on. My family, my friends, they are all my reasons to continue. Although I feel like the biggest burden anyone could be with the biggest demons and most terrible habits and thoughts, I know I need them. And if I need them, I can only imagine in some weird messed up part of the universe they need me too.

I do not believe I will ever find my partner in life, partner in crime, partner in anything (besides causing trouble;  shout out Rach and Justin), because of my life battles. Or shall I say war. I can only imagine what it makes others feel when there is nothing to be done but let it pass. Literally just keep me company and wait for it to go away.

I hadn’t eaten in about 2.5 days and hadn’t slept for like 5 nights in a row,  when I went into the therapist. I was in there for close to an hour just crying and letting all my feelings come out. How crazy I felt, how mad I was, how sad I was, how tore up I was the one I saw my future with left. It felt good to just release it all and not be judged. Just listened to. After I let it all out and we went through coping, my therapist suggested we up my dosage on my daily medication and add another one to combat the racing thoughts (at least for the time being until I get to a different stage of the grieving process). I had taken my emergency medicine which stopped the jitters but did not shut off the thoughts. So I am again on a new round of medication. So far, so good. I finally ate a full meal and got a full night sleep.

It is a constant up and down. I will never be normal. I will never not have demons to fight. I will never have someone to go through life with. I will never have someone by my side at all times. But that is my fighting life. It is a constant war with myself fought by myself with the support of those I love.

Until the next battle, the war continues and for now we are at a standstill. No racing thoughts, no spirals, but also no feelings one way or the other. I just am, and sometimes that is ok. It is ok not to be fully ok.

 

Alexoxo

 

To admit defeat

Posted on by Alexoxo

A phrase that has so many different meanings with mental illness. However, to me this phrase has power, meaning, and even a hidden strength. This phrase also is full of fear, regret, and disappointment.

It is one thing to admit defeat in a sporting event, spelling bee, science fair, etc. But having to admit defeat in life is and was soul crushing.

I have had several days as of late where I have fallen off track on my journey to healing. I have felt defeated by my own self. My own thoughts. My own journey. It is hard to be ok with that. But this whole journey started by having to admit that life had defeated me. I could not cope with my life on my own anymore. I could not handle my own thoughts and emotions. I had to admit to the world that I could no longer support myself and seek the support of my family, friends, co-workers, and even strangers.

At times I coped in unhealthy ways and slowly but surely I am overcoming those. I had to admit defeat even with my coping. Feeling upset and out of whack? Go black out for the night. You won’t feel anything anyways. WRONG! I felt not only the hangover the next day but the emotions from the night before ten fold. Feeling bad about your self? Don’t eat, you’ll focus on the hunger rather than your feelings. WRONG! I was hangry and still feeling all those negative emotions, while now adding negative thoughts about my appearance. Feeling unsure about life? Stop talking to everyone that matters you’ll just make their life more stressful. WRONG! I was fighting alone while dealing with calls and texts of people checking on me. Having to try and make up lies about how/where I was.

Luckily the eating has gotten better, although at times it is still hard to eat but only because my medication takes away my appetite. The drinking has been much better. There are still nights I go past my limit and know I am going to suffer the next day but I am only human and this is a journey. Reaching out has become a lot easier and with my current support system I have no fear of judgement. I understand they care and they all want to help in any way they can.

I woke up this morning and for some reason I feel like my life changed. I don’t know what it is or how it came to be. I just feel like I have finally admitted full defeat and had a heart to heart with myself. I am ready for this journey to get back on track.

I have made a commitment to start working out again, as I did as an athlete. I have commitment to sobriety. You can have plenty of fun without alcohol right? I have made a commitment to eat three meals a day, healthy meals that is. Even on days that I have zero appetite.

To be defeated is a chance to start over, start fresh, and show the world what you are made of. It is a chance to prove to yourself how strong you really are. It is a chance to know how committed you are to your own self and your journey to healing. To be defeated is strength to know that even in the darkest of times you see the light.

I have been defeated. From life. From my healing journey. I have been defeated. I have also been able to get back up. Continue fighting.

 

Alexoxo

Nobody gives a damn

Posted on by Alexoxo

Do you need proof? The only person who truly cares about your own well being is yourself and hopefully your family. Our world is hyper-connected and yet its like every man for him/herself. Still want proof? I posted on social media today that I was locked in my apt having an anxiety attack and do you wanna know how many people checked on my well being? 2. With one being my sister. What if I had posted that I didn’t want to be here anymore, do you think that number would change? Nope, sure wouldn’t. Society thinks a “like” is a show of support. Let me be very clear, your “like” does nothing to stop my anxiety. It does not make my thoughts of being abandoned by everyone any less real. It does not make me feel any less isolated in the world. It does not make recovery any easier.

Yes, i have been doing well on my road to recovery but, like with anything, two steps forward and one step back. Today has been a huge step back. I could not even leave my house this morning to get in my car to go to work. What if I crashed? What if I passed out at the wheel and drove off the side of the road? What if not a single person stopped to help? What if no body gave a damn?

It is so easy for people to just disclaim your thoughts. Hell, even I know they are illogical. But at the end of the day they don’t stop. They don’t just go away because I tell them they are illogical. I’ve had to ground myself multiple times today by being observant…”The sky is blue. My couch is black. The fan is on. Etc, etc” Just to get my brain to shut up for even 3 minutes. I’ve had to do breathing exercise to stop from getting sick. The want for physical pain is disturbing. I want to run all night and not stop. Run til I get sick. Run til I can’t move anymore. Run until my body quits. Run away from everything.

Today has been very hard and I’ve not made it any easier on myself. I have been doing so good that I am ashamed of how today has played out. I am annoyed for letting my anxiety take control of me like this. I am angry that I can’t control my own self. I am annoyed that I am not okay.

I have so many more thoughts but I don’t want to bore anyone nor spit them all out here. So I am off to go run and not stop. Not think. Not worry. Not give a damn.

 

 

Until I find a damn to give,

 

Alexx

The climb

Posted on by Alexoxo

Do you know that feeling when you are on a roller coaster creeping up to the first big drop and just waiting for the big fall? That is what the journey of self healing has felt like for me lately. The adrenaline, angst, nervousness, excitement; all of them flowing through my veins, making me feel things I have not felt in years. It feels so good and yet is so exhausting. However, the exhaustion has become a positive rather than a negative in my life. I am exhausted from being happy, excited, and looking forward to the coming days.

My sister has moved out and it is now just myself and my doggy. The first few days were very hard to adjust to life on my own. Knowing I don’t have her here available to me at any given moment. My constant love and support is now three states away. Talk about the anxiety attack that caused. Knowing that my circle of support near me is shrinking….again.

I have been able to get into my own routine and am now ok with living on my own. I can handle life and all it has thrown at me so far. I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to stand on my own, to make my own life choices, to trust in the process that is my life. And when weak moments strike, there is technology in this world that allows me to connect to those I need most; thank you  texting, phone calls, and video calling.

I have been on this climb up to the big drop for several weeks now (maybe even months) and I’m hoping its a big climb because I am not ready for the fall. Maybe it will just plateau at the top and not have a drop at all. Maybe it will be a small drop that I can recover from quickly. Whatever it is, I am enjoying the ride up and hoping not to cause the drop myself.

One of my biggest fears in life is my own self destruction. Ruining things that are good because of my own actions. Essentially cutting the roller coaster track and causing the fall myself. This is life battling anxiety; combating bad thoughts with the good. Trying to live without worry yet every little thing causes a fight or flight feeling. Unsure if I am actually overreacting or just protecting myself. But lately, I have just been enjoying every day and trying to not let the fight or flight feeling over take me. I am learning to be patient with myself. Give myself the opportunity to speak my mind and how I am feeling. What I need from myself and those around me.

The line to even get on this roller coaster climb was a long one. It contained lots of twists and turns, frustrations, hours of tears and pain, years of self hate, years of trying to fit the mold that society has created. It has made this climb that much more impactful. That much more enjoyable. I will be damned if I don’t enjoy every second of this climb. I will be damned if I stop loving myself. I will be damned if I let a single person take me back to the starting line, including myself. I have reached the roller coaster and I don’t plan on getting off any time soon. So welcome aboard and join for the ride or you can see yourself off. The choice is not one I will make for anyone but myself.

 

Until the next climb

 

Alex

 

Small Victories Count

Posted on by Alexoxo

Do not ever forget that a win, no matter how small, is still a win. Keeping this in mind has been a huge stepping stone in my recovery. Now it is not always easy to remember and its hard to cut myself some slack, but nothing is more relieving that celebrating life’s wins.

Each day that I make it to bed in some sense of happiness is a win. I have been trying this new routine in which I tell myself 2-3 wins I had that day so I don’t go to bed on a negative thought. The craziest part is they can be absolutely tiny wins but they change my whole mindset around. For example, on St. Patrick’s day I went out with a group of friends and we partook in some adult activities. I made it home with my ID, credit card, and phone. Now that is a win, especially since the last handful of times I had a little too much enjoyment I certainly misplaced at least one thing.

The reality check at the end of the night helps remind me that I don’t live in this prison of the 21st century. I am not locked into social pressures. I am not needing the approval of others, but rather fulfilling the need to make my own self happy.  I am capable of so much that is easily lost within our hyper-connected world.  It is so easy to compare myself to my peers. To compare my life journey with theirs and not be satisfied with what I have accomplished. However, there is always another side to the story. So, who is to say they aren’t comparing themselves to me and everything I have accomplished?

It is easy to get trapped in the prison, but its always a good time for a Shawshank redemption and good ol’ escape plan. Your plan, like mine, may be very tangible and easily measured. Your plan may be more on the creative side. Your plan may be with just yourself or it could easily include your family and friends. Whatever your plan, just make sure it is executed; the escape is near and always remember you are innocent until proven guilty. Meaning, you cannot be guilty of being “behind in life” or “less accomplished” just because one of your peers is settled, engaged, and a new homeowner while you have just finished your second full pizza of the week. In my eyes eating a whole pizza is a win in and of itself, especially if its anything bigger than a medium pizza!

So here is to my recent wins: 1. not misplacing anything on St. Patrick’s day. 2. Having amazing friends who love me regardless of my shenanigans. 3. Taking control of my work life and taking steps towards my own career happiness.

 

With all the love and sending wins your way,

Alexoxo

Addicted to Living

Posted on by Alexoxo

You have to lose yourself to find yourself. But believe me when you find yourself, it is all worth it. Of course it is a constant journey of self growth, self discovery, and self love but the start line is like a pot of gold.

I have been on this journey of losing myself to find myself since early 2015 when I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, graduated college, and officially moved out of home. The breakup was ugly, graduation was stressful, and moving was not something I had ever planned on doing. Life hit me square in the face with reality. Bills started coming, going to work became a daily routine, not having many friends became normal. I lied to myself and every one else about how happy I was and how much I loved my life. Now, don’t get me wrong as I had some amazing times between 2015 and 2017. I just exaggerated the good to hide the bad.

The life I was living was not healthy nor sustainable. I barely ate, did not sleep much, and worried way too much about what others thought of myself and my life. I was standing on my own two feet without actually supporting myself (if that makes sense).

2017 came and destroyed my world beyond anything I could comprehend. I did not think life could be any worse than the two years leading up to this point. Boy, was I so wrong. However, with my life forever changed I have to find the blessings, reasons to smile, and desire to keep living.

I made the conscious decision to take full control of my life and create my destiny. I decided my loved ones would not pass in vain. I decided it was time to stop lying and actually get happy. I decided that it was time to start living before my time is up.

Therapy and medication have helped tremendously with turning my life around. However, it is not the sole answer. It has been a struggle to continue to see the good in the world day after day, to continue to fight for a genuine smile, to continue to be better than yesterday. I wake up every morning and have to make a deliberate decision on how I  am going to live out my day. Now, this isn’t to say it is always fool proof and I don’t have bad days anymore, but it has alleviated many of them.

I took it within my own hands to stop worrying what others think. I stopped posting on social media as much; goodbye stress from the number of “likes”. I started telling people my real feelings and being honest about how I am. I started reaching out to old friends more. I have started to live my life the way I want.

2018 is slowly starting to shape into the year my life has needed. I have some very exciting things on the horizon. I will turn a quarter of a century old in a few weeks. My best friend from childhood will be visiting me a few weeks after (delayed birthday celebration!). I will be traveling to the Dominican Republic a few months after that. Lastly, my parents just retired and sold my childhood home so they are free to come visit all the time and stay for as long as they please. I cannot wait to see them and one day join them in the retirement ranks!

Until then:

Always finding myself and never giving up control of my life,

 

Alex

 

Day 2 2 Words: Orange and Green

Posted on by Alexoxo

Well it is now January 2nd, 2018. Two days into the new year and although I’d love to say “new year, new me” or some other cliche saying of total change, I cannot and will not. Instead new year, same me….with some improvements. Or so I hope.

It has been 48 hours since the significant time in our lives when we sit around for hours waiting for a 10 second count down. It has been 48 hours since we all sat around and ponder on the year past and what we hope is in the year to come. It has been 48 hours since we all talked about how blessed our lives are. To be honest, I want to gag every time I read an end of year recap, even my own.

This morning is not any different than the prior 243 or so days. I wake up, take my pup out for a walk then come in and start my pill taking routine. Orange and Green, White, Blue, Pink. You name it I’ve probably taken or at least tried it. Currently Orange and Green is my favorite color combination.*

This most hideous color combination has given my life new meaning, new purpose; more than once may I add. Although I still to this day cannot believe someone in their right mind thought “oh hey, orange and green would make a fabulous color combination” it has quickly become very near and dear to my heart.

So, what is the significance of Orange and Green? Two major items: my alma mater and my current medication. The story of my alma mater is for another time, but basically I moved across country from everything I had known and started a new life for myself. As for my current medication, it has been the latest in a trial and error period and seems to be one that has worked the best.

Orange and Green signifies a new found freedom. Orange and Green signifies I decide when I cry vs my body. Orange and Green signifies strength from within. Orange and Green signifies I control my anxiety and panic attacks. Orange and Green signifies getting out of bed. Orange and Green signifies energy to complete my to-do lists. Orange and Green signifies relief. Mostly Orange and Green signifies life.

As much as I hate to say good bye to 2017 and wish I could go back in time to 2016, I have a small glimmer of hope for 2018. Hope for a new outlook on life. Hope for a new peace found within. Hope for a better tomorrow. Hope for continued support and openness of mental health. Hope that one day I can discontinue all the medication without putting my life at risk.

Until then, Orange and Green will be my saving grace,

Alexxx

 

*All medication has been prescribed by a medical professional and I have been closely monitored